Helloooooooooo internet! Hello lamp! Hello pants.
Hello ridiculous references to ridiculous commercials. The rest of this post won’t be so silly.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself and how my brain works. The few things in my life that I just can’t get past, or just can’t figure out. The kind of stuff I write poems about. Because you know if I am writing poetry on it, it’s because that’s the only way I can try and make sense of it. I end up writing the same poems over and over.
I keep trying to wait for things to work out, to put it in God’s hands, to have faith in the process. Which is good and what I should be doing. In the midst of the praying, wondering, thinking and trying not to think, I reflect on how I approach things. I am afraid that I have to look at my behaviors and why I do these things and decide to change those, instead of waiting. But it is really scary. When you have certain defenses or walls up, letting those down, or flying into the face of them, seems impossible. When is the right time, the safe time, to do it? How do I know that this person, place, or thing isn’t going to get ruined by drastic action on my part. How do I know I won’t get ruined? Goodness, it feels a lot better just to continue on my way as always. That isn’t how anything changes though, is it? And that probably feels worse.
It’s hard to trust myself when I think about this kind of personal psychology. Do I figure things out because that’s how they are, or do I think something up and then that becomes the reason for the issue, due to self fulfilling prophecies? In case you couldn’t tell, I was a psych major, and that sort of ruined my chances of ever understanding myself. I will second guess myself to death. Analyses on top of analyses until I am back to a much simpler beginning when I give up altogether.
I guess I just need to listen to God better, and not try to force things because I am frustrated, but also be open to any ways He might be trying to speak to me. How do I know if I am supposed to display 30 seconds of insane courage? I guess I just will. Except right now, I am really confused.
Bonus thought: Feeling small. I just started taking the online 6 hour defensive driving course to lower our rates for insurance. My mom stressed me out about it a little trying to help me set it up, because she is very stressed out. As I was trying to authenticate the keystrokes simulation as identification, my browser spazzed out and I had to refresh. It then told me that I didn’t do the authentication in the allotted time and if I failed again it would mark my course as a fail. I currently have a knot in my stomach that I don’t remember feeling since I was in school. It’s that feeling that someone else can decide your value in a situation. That feeling of someone telling you that you might fail. I feel like a child again, with someone else dictating whether I win or lose. I feel small.
I guess my life has improved in that sense, that I dictate whether to feel defeated by something, not someone else. I am an adult with a supportive boss at my job and family and friends who support me. And if my they don’t support me, I support myself (well, God does). But this darn defensive driving course just made me feel reprimanded in the first 30 seconds. Well, I never! [Imagine me turning on my heel in a huff, dressed in a bonnet and flouncy dress, Southern Belle style, thanks.]
This has been a very raw blog post by Sabina. Thank you for reading, please don’t judge me. Or do. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter, as Dr. Seuss says. ;) (Except you matter regardless, just maybe not your opinion if you’re being mean.)