Note: This post was written for 10/19 but posted on 10/20 because of timing. This post also counts to make up for Thursday, where I did not write. (Whoops!) For 10/19 I also wrote in my journal, as I have been journal writing many days this week, about the little moments that made this weekend special.
This week was awful. While there were many lovely moments, I was filled with real anxiety. I was so anxious, I barely got anything done. I wasn’t feeling well and it made me nervous so I spent most of my time curled up on a couch at work, or staring at the wall, or bothering Sarah looking for solace. The things I was worried about were truly ridiculous, but I will spare you the details.
But this horrible terrible no good very bad week led into the best weekend. The weekend wasn’t without its bad moments, but I look to Monday refreshed. I finally feel like my happy self again, not the wreck that I was this week. Thank you to all of you who helped make it okay, who helped me through ugly moments. I cannot stress enough that my family and friends each in their own way made sure I was ok. In fact, I was surprised in the ways my closest family members tried to help. Everything happens for a reason, even my mental breakdowns, ha ha.
This perfect weekend (spent mostly with the boyfriend) proved once again that the real happy moments come from the small overall feelings not huge things. The knowledge that this weekend was wonderful is found in the moments that go quiet for a second in the middle of life happening. In the way Kieran puts his arm around my waist as we cause joyous chaos doing a crossword puzzle with his family. In the way he looks with his hat backwards while we play the celebrity name game on the train at 1AM. The party we were coming back from was awesome and amazing, but it didn’t lead to the assurance that I am ok. The little moments did that.
This past week I also learned about my weak points, what makes me break, what makes me not myself. I have figured out that little thoughts are how devil gets you. He wins when you either give in to anxiety and stop being responsible for yourself, or you can’t face the thought and throw away your beliefs to make the bad feeling go away. I think that you can’t give every small idea that gets put into your head too much weight, or you might do either of those things. To worry is to do nothing constructive. Acknowledge a bad or scary thought, and put it aside. Because if you really trust God, if you really have faith, then you can roll with every single possible punch thrown at you. Because as they say, if God is for us, who can be against us?
This week I temporarily failed at that. Instead of giving my worries to God, I ruminated on them and took way too long to do something about them. I didn’t trust it would be okay; I fell apart, sure I was in trouble. I wasn’t; it was all in my head. But in the moment it feels so real. I am getting better now at not fixating, but dealing with it head on, or putting it away so it doesn’t get in the way of my every day functioning. In case it wasn’t clear, I am far, far from perfect.
This coming week is going to be difficult. A lot of things are going on, and I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel I can handle it, as long as I keep this motivation going. I think I am back to myself, and now I can go out in the world and do what I am meant to do. Let’s go set this world on fire.
Have a blessed and beautiful week!