Losing Myself to Find Myself, and other stuff

Hi dear readers!

Well, another week has passed. You all know my last week was incredibly difficult, and I told myself this one would be better. It wasn’t exactly better. It was another 5 days of struggling both physically and spiritually. I admit I was scared and again unable to function as well as I am used to.

Which means I approach tomorrow with caution and a little bit of nervousness. I realize that just because I resolve to have a perfect week, to be okay again, doesn’t mean I can stick to that, or that it is that easy. My highs are really high, my friends, and my lows (though usually rare) are pretty low.

But this story isn’t a sad one. Because I felt so lost this week, I reached new steps in different aspects of my life. Kieran and I are stronger than ever because he has seen me through all of this in the best way possible, and proven that he is a man perfect for me. The idea that there are “no good guys” is a lie. He is the definition of good, I almost can’t believe it. But I do believe it because I know God sent me someone I needed to help me be the best me. I have had conversations with him this week that I will remember forever.

I also came to a realization, with the help of one of my closest friends, that I am at a spiritual turning point. I think God is calling me to Him in a new way, asking me to change up how I practice my faith. I must have gotten too comfortable in my ways and understandings. I pray I don’t ignore this, and find ways to indeed become better, scary as it may be. And I thank God Kieran is next to me at church every Sunday.

This week I hope to be armed once again with hope and joy, as I am so well known for. I hope the crazy and terrifying world we live in today stays quiet for a week. We all need a break.

In a separate thought, though not unrelated, I have not been remiss on writing every day. I have been doing a lot of journaling, in my orange notebook I carry everywhere. I realized I really like journaling, but only because I have changed how I do it since I was little. I used to keep a diary often growing up, but ended up stopping every time because I hated the chore of writing everything down every day. It wasn’t fun. Now I use my journal not as a “have to” but a tool to help me get my thoughts out. It’s a great way to check in with myself, to write out exactly what I feel with no fear of the internet reading my most personal thoughts. It’s therapeutic and comforting. Not to mention again, my notebook is orange! :)

So these are my thoughts for the evening. Life is a roller coaster when you feel things so much. But when the people around you support and appreciate this characteristic, it won’t end badly. After all, I have been through much, much rougher patches.



4 thoughts on “Losing Myself to Find Myself, and other stuff

  1. You’re so beautiful, darling. They say sometimes when everything seems to be falling apart they are just falling into place. Keep your chin up because chin down causes wrinkles and double chins ;) Priorities. I love you.


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