In case you don’t know me, because if you did, you’d be sick of hearing about it by now, I recently got engaged. Kieran and I have known for a long time that this is what we wanted so it’s no surprise at all. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t go through a million and one emotions, though. I waited for it to hit me, at first. I waited to really feel like a woman with a fiance. I waited for the anxiety I know so well to kick in – to try tell me that something HAD to be wrong, or that I was all wrong. Happily, I felt that a lot less than I expected to. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of panic. But they don’t last because I love a good project – and what better project than planning the most important day of my life thus far?
I never expected, however, to become brave after just a few weeks. I am not, as far as I have ever felt, a “brave” person. I am confident and comfortable around strangers to a fault, yes. I don’t think that makes me brave; it just makes me easy to get along with. I can’t help that I am extroverted. Yet for one of the few times in my life, I feel sure. I am sure that my relationship with Kieran is the right thing; I am sure I want to marry him. Even my anxiety can’t lie to me about that for too long, before I fall deeper in love with him all over again and tell my brain to shut up and be happy already. This sureness helps me work towards my 2016 goals of GRACE and RENEWAL. It is this sureness that makes me brave.
Brave about the future
I am usually someone who procrastinates the big, scary logistics. Yet the other day, on my own accord, I picked up the phone and called my church to ask about the availability for a wedding. I started on the hard stuff, and for once the “this is real” feeling wasn’t bad. When Kieran and I started looking at future apartment options, I thought I would start to freak out. Instead, I am more excited than ever. This is real! This is real and I am so pleased that it is.
Brave about my decisions
There will always be many people with many opinions. Some will tell me I should have gotten married already. Some will tell me I am way too young and we are making a mistake. But I know, I know, that things are happening at the right time. Instead of shrinking back, I feel a need to talk to people about how serious I am about this. I am not afraid to stand up for my decisions. I want the important people to know that this isn’t a silly, spontaneous, or immature decision.
Brave with Kieran
As soon as we got engaged, I instantly felt something switch in our relationship. I felt closer to him, like I didn’t need to worry about whether something was only my business, and not his. I feel more comfortable than ever telling him what is going on in my life, because I know we are going to be “one” not too long from now. I feel more than ever that I can run into his arms and he won’t judge me, because we share everything.
And so, I am brave. At least for now.